*Alert. Vulnerable post ahead. Turn back now if it’s not your thing*

I talk a lot about moving forward. I also try to walk the talk. What I haven’t talked about, though, is the fact that oftentimes part of moving forward is actually feeling as if you are moving backwards.

I used to beat myself up for this. At some point I learned it’s just inevitable and part of the process. I’m writing this to you in case, you find yourself in that spot. I want you to know it’s okay and simply where you are supposed to be right now.

When you can learn to just settle into it, not consider it a set back, and own it as part of where you are and where you are headed, you will realize it is a small part of the larger picture. I wish I had known this sooner.

Moving forward through and into a new season or point in life is definitely not a linear process. I also wish I had known this years ago. It is a lot like going through the grief process. It comes and goes and has ups and downs. You can go three steps forward and the, out of nowhere, find yourself five steps back, then lo and behold, you are five steps forward again. It can be a constant and ever changing path. Just as everyone has their own journey of grief, everyone’s path forward will also be different. I will never try to tell someone how to do it or that a way is right or wrong. Realizing how personal it is and how important it is to acknowledge it for what it is, is a huge part of the process.

All this came to mind for me recently. If you don’t know some of my story, the relevant parts for this writing are that a few years ago I lost both my parents and my brother within a very short time of each other. The losses were painful with the loss of my brother being particularly hard. His death was sudden and at a time and place that completely blindsided us. Then, almost three years ago my husband died after a very quick and vicious spiral of alcoholism. Moving forward from these losses and many of the after effects has been my main purpose, not only for myself, but for my boys.

One thing that has come of these events is that I’ve also become hyper aware of losses and traumas of others who find themselves in similar circumstances and navigating one of these “clubs” that we did not sign up for.

Back to why this has come to mind. It was my birthday.

Typically I LOVE my birthday. I love birthdays, in general. When the boys were young, I loved waking up them up with a birthday candle on top of a decadent donut, so they could make a wish before their eyes were barely open. I loved hanging the banners, balloons, and having the cards, gifts, and, oh, the birthday parties! Of course, planning those fun birthday parties. . . .

I love everything about a birthday. My first son recently told me I loved my birthday because I like the attention. Maybe he’s right. I can be a ham.

This year, however, I wasn’t particularly looking forward to the birthday. I wasn’t particularly fond of the number and, here goes . . . it just didn’t feel special.

The day really made me miss my mom. In the past, she would call me each birthday morning at exactly 8:45 am because she says that is when I was born. Who knows if that’s right or not, I certainly don’t, but it always made me feel remembered and special. I missed that.

These days, as an empty nester, I also missed having the boys around.

And, let’s be honest. The birthday gift. My husband’s love language had been gift giving and to be honest, oftentimes, much too extravagantly! On my birthday, he would always have something special up his sleeve. It was fun and always a little celebration.

My life is different now. It is quieter. So, my birthday was very quiet . . .and a bit lonely. And that set me back a bit. In a way, it made me forget how far I (and we) had come. It triggered some of the old grief and wishes for some parts of that old life. (Please know I say this just to be real here. I did not have a pity party and I am not asking for sympathy, in any way.)

Working through new seasons of life can be adventurous and exciting. They can also be scary and hard. It is part of the process.

Moving forward is a good and necessary part of living life following a change, whatever that change is. If, and when, you find yourself in this season, I want you to be prepared. I want you to know that you will have days that seem to be setbacks, but actually are not. They are simply a snag in the road that brings you to a space, and you can acknowledge that space, call it what it is, perhaps enjoy the happy memories that may arise, and then put yourself back on your path.

Let it be what you allow it to be. For me, I acknowledged it, let it linger a while and then told it to go away. (Sometimes I picture it as a blanket that wraps itself around me) To shrug off the blanket, I settled down and added up all the goodness I have around me. I also told myself to put on my big girl panties and take a walk. That always seems to help (;

And another thing about birthdays, or lots of life events, many of them will be big and surprising and celebratory while others may be quieter and perhaps a lot more low-key. Both are okay. Maybe, in the grand scheme of things, they balance each other out.

The photo above is from one of my favorite birthdays! My oldest son and I went skydiving and it was an exhilarating, definitely memorable, bucket list item. And they all can’t be those, right?

There’s always next year.

If you are looking for your own path to move forward I hope you’ll join me in a new Group Program that will be JUST for that purpose. There are only 6 spots and it’s going to be some really good, fun and a bit of challenging time together. READ MORE HERE

Okay, that’s it for me for a bit. I’m off to pack for another bucket list item. . .

No plane jumping, but it does involve a plane ride!